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Annette



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more jokes from E-Mails

jokes from Rhoda 5/25/04

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko..

11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, Whack! Dang.
A bad skydiver goes Dang! Whack.

22. How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Now, admit it, corny as they are, at least one of these made you smile....

03-26-2008 01:46 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be
mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good new is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your sanity. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

03-26-2008 01:47 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their recent brides straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman from California and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He bragged to the guys that he had given his new bride orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had come home to a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a New Jersey girl. He boasted to the guys that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed & ironed... And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't seeanything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

03-26-2008 01:48 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

03-26-2008 01:52 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Fresh from dribbleglass.com:

A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

03-26-2008 01:53 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Sweet Revenge I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Sweet Revenge I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

During a rather heated argument, Mark the husband bellowed, "You don't deserve a man like me." The wife JP retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got that too!" One night a man who was in no shape to drive wisely opted to leave his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 3 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the officer. "My wife!" said the man. A highway patrol officer was driving behind a man who was swerving all over the road. The officer stopped the man and asked, "Sir, have you been During a rather heated argument, Mark the husband bellowed, "You don't deserve a man like me." The wife JP retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got that too!"

One night a man who was in no shape to drive wisely opted to leave his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 3 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the officer. "My wife!" said the man.

A highway patrol officer was driving behind a man who was swerving all over the road. The officer stopped the man and asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?
The man said, "No sir, I'm a preacher." The officer asked, "What is in that wine bottle beside you?" The man said, "Water, of course!" The officer opened the bottle, took a sniff, and said, "Sir, there is wine in this bottle!" The preacher then replied, "PRAISE THE LORD, HE HAS DONE IT AGAIN!"


WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because "this
hairstyle lasts for one's just too icky". You don't have to stop to think which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress -- $5000; tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives...on December 24... in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier!!! years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives...on December 24... in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier!!!

03-26-2008 02:09 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Subject: The Princess


>> Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
>> independent, self-assured princess happened upon a
>> frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, on
>> the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
>> near her castle.
>>
>> The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
>> "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until
>> an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from
>> you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
>> young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can
>> marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my
>> mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
>> clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
>> and happy doing so."
>>
>> That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a
>> repast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a
>> white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
>> thought to herself: "I don't think so."

03-26-2008 02:25 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Workers' Compensation



This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board...



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient.



I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new
six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down
by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up onto the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at
being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive
speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.



Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can
imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.



In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to
move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there
watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,

Mike Pashby

03-26-2008 02:27 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child

decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present.



A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought

her a box full of fine chocolates.



A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet

of flowers.



Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer

brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking

from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"



She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,

"I bet this is some wine!"



The little boy said, "Nope!"



She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"



The little boy said, "Nope!"



She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"



The little boy said, "Nope!"



She said, "Well what is it?"



The little boy said, "A puppy!"

03-26-2008 02:30 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot over heard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal, I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did all his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied "Well I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

03-26-2008 02:31 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Justifiable Homicide

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So, what are you here for?" Talk about a show stopper.

Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great -- a name to match the idiot." I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy. The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life.

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....."







Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-09-2008 11:06 AM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

WOMEN'S Humor

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a
good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f* ng red
mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
____

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
_____

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_____

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A A rumour.
_____

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
_____

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good
idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
_____

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave
you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
_____

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
_____

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
_____

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
_____
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring,and
good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
_____
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
_____

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again!

10-26-2008 11:01 PM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.



That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.



Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers, and then there are educators.



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-26-2008 11:03 PM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when
a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of
almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about
eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
almonds
themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their
old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?"

he asks puzzled. Where upon the old lady answers.......

"We just love the chocolate around them."









fire call






Hello,



Help!



"Send someone over quickly!"



the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"





"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."


"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

   







Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-26-2008 11:07 PM
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Annette



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RE: more jokes from E-Mails

This is a bit naughty, but hilarious

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

> > "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room are some vending machines that should fulfill all your needs."

> > Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, which had a sign that said 'Haircuts - 50 cents'. So he inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and looked into the mirror, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

> > Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures - 25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

> > The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives - 75 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put three quarters in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his 'manhood' into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his appendage...now with a button sewn neatly on the end of it...

http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Subject: FUNNY


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"


.jpg File  2 toilets.jpg (Size: 32.98 KB / Downloads: 23)

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"


.jpg File  2 toilets.jpg (Size: 32.98 KB / Downloads: 23)

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions











Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-26-2008 11:16 PM
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Annette



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Post: #16
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh,
I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for
$20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I lost my grip and fell off my perch!"
:parrot:



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-26-2008 11:51 PM
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Annette



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Post: #17
RE: more jokes from E-Mails


> OLE'S ACCIDENT

> Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking
> company's lawyer was
> questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene
> of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"
> asked the lawyer.
> Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I
> had just loaded my
> favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
> "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
> interrupted. "Just answer the
> question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
> accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
> Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the
> trailer and I was driving
> down the road...."
> The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
> trying to establish the
> fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
> told the Highway Patrolman
> on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
> weeks after the accident he
> is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
> fraud. Please tell him to simply
> answer the question."
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
> Ole's answer and said to
> the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
> about his favorite mule,
> Bessie".
> Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas
> saying, I had just
> loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
> and vas driving her down da
> highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da
> stop sign and smacked my truck
> right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and
> Bessie vas thrown into da
> other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to
> move. However, I could hear
> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
> terrible shape just by her
> groans".
> "Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman
> came to da scene. He could
> hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to
> her".
> "After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
> condition, he took out his gun
> and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
> Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still
> in hand, looked at me and
> said, 'How are you feeling?'" "Now vat the hell
> vould YOU say?"



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-26-2008 11:53 PM
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Annette



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Post: #18
RE: more jokes from E-Mails







Subject: Elderly Men


A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
> <><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

> <><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . .

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

> <><><><><><><>
>
Dinner
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-27-2008 12:24 AM
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Annette



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Post: #19
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

Sex, Church and Pancakes

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell ! you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Fwd: todays chuckle

Three sisters, ages 92 , 94, & 96, live
together.
One night the 96 yr. old sister draws a bath.
She puts
one foot in the bath and pauses, " was I getting
in the tub
or out?" she yells.

The 94 yr. old sister hollers back ," I don't
know, I'll come
see." She starts up the stairs and then stops
. She shouts
"was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 yr. old sister sits quietly in the
kitchen table having
tea; listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says,"
I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and
knocks on wood
for good measure.

Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see
who's at the door."



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-27-2008 12:25 AM
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Annette



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Post: #20
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

a bunch of stuff from greatdemolady}



The Old Phone
07-24-2004 03:53 PM

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When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.



Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time. My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.



I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information."



"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.



"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.



"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.



"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.



"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."



"Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could.



"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.



After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts. Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."



Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.



A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"



There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?" "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.



"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."



Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."



Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.



Whose life have you touched today?

I had seen something like this before, but it's always nice to be reminded
of the positive things. So here's somthing positive to remind all of you how
much I care.










Dementia Test
07-19-2004 03:33 PM

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Dear Old Person:

Chances are you have no chance to pass this what so ever but we'll give

You at least one try. If you flunk, as I'm sure you will, the boys will be

out to pick you up sometime tomorrow. They will not harm you….



Sincerely,

THE GRIM REAPER!!!

***********************************************************************

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we

grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If

you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain.

The below 6 question Dementia Test is a very private way to gauge your loss

or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you

are losing it or are still "with it". Ok…just relax…take a deep breath and

begin. No cheating now….



Question 1:

1. What do you put in a toaster?














Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go

do something else Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread,"

go to Question 2.



Question 2:

Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the

next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even over

heat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something

more appropriate, such as Children's World.

"If you said "water," proceed to question 3







Question 3:

If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is

made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a

black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks,"

what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you

said "glass," then go on to Question 4.





Question 4:

Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.

If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West

Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines

failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also

failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the

Third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and

the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East

Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?

In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?









Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING

else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a

plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't

bury the survivors," proceed to question 5.





Question 5:

If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute

how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?







Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other

than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but

you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the

room.



Everyone else proceed to the next question.







Final Dementia Question:



Question 6:

Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from

London to Milton Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In

Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon

three get off and four get on. In Cardruff, 11 people get off and 16

people get on. In Swsansea three people get off and five people get on. In

Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at

Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!










(thanks, Rhoda!)
07-14-2004 03:36 PM

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

Lord, slow me down. Help me to feel the sun upon my face.










A. Something funny



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ....Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.







http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/thongs.html



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-27-2008 12:33 AM
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Annette



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Post: #21
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'



So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins 35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins 320. Then he gets the full house and wins 1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting 380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'



'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
' S t **ff me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well!



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-28-2008 02:08 AM
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Annette



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Post: #22
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

I got this today from Ksera
it is pretty funny} Click here to watch 'Jurrasic'



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





11-01-2008 07:25 AM
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Annette



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Post: #23
RE: more jokes from E-Mails

this one is from GreatDemoLady

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen..
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.




Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





11-22-2008 11:33 PM
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Annette



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Post: #24
RE: a quick and revealing quiz

In a few days I will post what each question means
what you find out about yourself should be interesting ;)

Favorite Animal
1.
2.
3.

Favorite Bird
1.
2.
3.

White Room
1.
2.
3.

The Ocean
1.
2.
3.



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





09-01-2017 11:12 AM
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