Post Reply  Post Thread 

Wit & Wisdoms
Author Message
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #1
Wit & Wisdoms

Wit & Wisdoms from Slimken:

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
A flower goes through much dirt before it blooms.
A girl's best asset is her lieability.

Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Carry a rabbit in a storm and the wind'll blow the hare in your face.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Diet: food that make other people lose weight.
Do not drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't sweat petty stuff, and don't pet sweaty stuff.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Forbidden fruits make many jams.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honourable discharge.

He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man.
He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.
House without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to make a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
If you turn oriental around, he become disoriented.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man bobbing up and down in corn field is not planting grain.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who abuse computer get bad bytes.
Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
Man who drop watch in whisky wasting time.
Man who eat cookie in bed wake up feeling crumby.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep shit.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Man who has hand in pocket always on the ball.
Man who have circumcision lose foresight.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
Man who is basketball player dribbles before he shoots.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who live in glass house dress in basement.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Man who make love to woman on hill, not on level.
Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news.
Man who pee through screen door, only straining himself.

Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap get bust in mouth.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who put wick into wrong candle get burned.
Man who read woman like book, prefer braille.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep like baby does not have one.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
Man who tell one too many lightbulb joe-ks soon burn out.
Man who think he is Number One is next to nothing.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Man who wear short sleeved shirt supports right to bare arms.
Man who wish to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with chip on shoulder have wood higher up.
Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man's mind is like parachute: work best when open.
Man's most important senses: horse and common.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Never raise hands to angry child - it leave groin exposed.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
People who make Confucius joe-ks speak bad English.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Smart man is like fish: keep mouth shut and stay out of trouble.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Streaker unsuited for his work.
Support bacteria - may be only culture some people have.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.

Virgin like balloon - one prick, all gone.
Virginity like bubble - one prick and all gone.

War does not determine who is right - war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.
Woman who wear G-string high on crack.
Worm that falls asleep in King Arthur's apple will wake up in middle of knight.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


Buddhist to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

12-04-2007 02:56 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #2
RE: Wit & Wisdoms

this is from laughingwolf}



A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another
long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate,! he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book."Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some
to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.
"The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." :dogwags:

12-25-2007 01:49 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #3
RE: Wit & Wisdoms

The story goes:

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute" answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.

In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing" I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".

"Oh, you're such a good boy" she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.

It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.

They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door..

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing" I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said.

"Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.

Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT ~ THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.

But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. Thank you, my friend.....

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God

12-28-2007 01:05 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #4
RE: Wit & Wisdoms

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-27-2008 01:24 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #5
RE: Wit & Wisdoms


Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
Time
Words
Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost -
Peace
Hope
Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -
Love
Self-confidence
Friends

Three things in life that are never certain -
Dreams
Success
Fortune

Three things that make a man -
Hard work
Sincerity
Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a man -
Wine
Pride
Anger

Three things that are truly constant -
Father
Son
Holy Ghost

I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;
to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.
His love is always with you, His promises are true.
And when you give Him all your cares, you know He'll see you through.





Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





10-27-2008 01:33 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #6
RE: Wit & Wisdoms

from Ksera}

Mighty Mouse
=========

TAIPEI, Taiwan, (UPI) - Taiwan firefighters caring for a foot-
long viper tossed a tiny mouse in the cage as a snack but then
watched as the mouse turned mighty and killed the snake.

The furry little rodent skirted in and out of range of the
snake's gaping jaws and long fangs, darted in for a bite, then
skittered away, constantly on the attack. At the end of a
fierce 30-minute battle at the Nanoun fire station, the snake
was dead, the mouse had "barely a scratch on him," one fireman
told The Daily Telegraph.

from The Mountain:
Remember this mouse when things get tough. Don't give up, keep
swinging, keep fighting, keep hoping, keep praying and keep
working. You've got someone on your side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think about the choices the mouse had .. it had only two: win or die

reminds me of the Yoda's words to Luke: "there is No TRY there is Only DO"

10-30-2008 10:40 PM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply
Annette



Posts: 2,199
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #7
RE: Wit & Wisdoms

there's some classic material in this thread :)



Believe in the
Magic
of your
Dreams





05-21-2010 08:13 AM
Send the author an email Send the author a private message Find all posts by this author Quote this message in a reply

Post Reply  Post Thread 

View a Printable Version
Send this Thread to a Friend
Subscribe to this Thread | Add Thread to Favorites
Rate This Thread:

Forum Jump: