[split] Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

[Annette]

these are copied from my original [now broken] forum

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE



1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.



2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.



3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on Me!



4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.



5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.



7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.



8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.



9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.



10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.



11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.



13. God must love stupid people; He made so many and they vote for Shrubs!



14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.



16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!



18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.



19. Procrastinate Now!



20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?



21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance



23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!



24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.



25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.



26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.



27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.



28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.



30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Posted by Garzita

this is an excerpt from the comedy routine of Jeremy Hotz:

"I got a box of tampons in the mail once, too. Yeah, imagine my surprise. They weren't tampons, they were pads, something called, uh, "Always."... Like they're gonna call them "Some of the Time." Always dry weave with wings and... optional sunroof, geez. They're big pads, have you seen them? They look like Dr. Sholl's innersoles. I'm usin'em for coffee filters right now! Oh yeah, you're laughin, the garbage man must think I have a terrible disease!"
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posted by slimken

Long ago, there was a bat, it was a nice little bat, it didnt want to suck any blood from anyone and it just wants to eat fruit because it's kind and it thinks sucking blood from people is wrong. SO, one day the bat fucking died. It went straight to heaven and the god asks the bat, "you've been very nice and I shall grant you one wish" The bat thinks for a minute and answers, " I was a black bat and I didn't suck any blood from anyone, so now I want to be a white little soft rabbit with wings and I want to be able to suck as much blood as I want." The god hesitates and think "a rabbit with wings? that sucks blood??" Then the god says, "alrite, i'll do my best" and he points his finger at the bat and poof, he turns into white and soft little TAMPAX (with flapping wings. )
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A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God comes to welcome the cat and asks:
"welcome my friend! You have lead a good life. I will grant you one wish, what shall it be?"

The cat answers:
"All my life I have had to sleep in the cold barn.
I want a soft warm bed to take my naps."
"Granted" says God
and the most plush bed imaginable appears for the cat.

meanwhile, on Earth
there is a pair of mice who are departing for Heaven.

God greets them and offers them a wish.

One mouse says,
"All our lives we have had to run really fast to avoid a cat.
We would like some roller skates!"
"Granted" says God
The mice are both fitted with the most excellent pair of roller blades.

Several weeks pass.
God comes to visit the cat and see how he likes Heaven.

"Hello Cat! How do you like your bed?"
Cat answers:
"Just swell!
and I especially like those meals on wheels you've been sending!"
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from decos_inferno

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "! Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting irritated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
>
> restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
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> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
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> No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
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> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
> butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
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> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
> I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
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> I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
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> One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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> THE SENILITY PRAYER
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> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
> and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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this is from laughingwolf

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one
>young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would
>talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing
>tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a
>bath, or are we hungry?"
>
> Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold
>had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side
>stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice
>was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
>
> The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked
>at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old
>Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank
>it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it
>better this time."
>
> The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
>
> DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
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if you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
> Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
> "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little
> each month, but not enough to live on!"
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >LOUD SEX:
> A wife w ent in to see a therapist and said, "I've got
> a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
> husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting
> yell."
> "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
> natural. I don't see what the problem is."
> "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >QUIET SEX:
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
> and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
> "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
> home!"
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >CONFOUNDED SEX
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
> was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured
> him that modern medicine could give him back his
> manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
> surgery since it was considered cosmetic The doctor
> said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
> "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he
> would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
> to talk it over with his wife before he made any
> decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
> explained their options. The doctor came back into the
> room, and found the man
> looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you
> decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd
> rather remodel the k kitchen".
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
> A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
> of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,
> "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
> 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
> replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
> that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >WOMEN'S HUMOR
> My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and
> said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was
> right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
> all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
>
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to
> find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman.
> She became violent and ended up pushing him off the
> balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
> apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the
> court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she
> had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly,
> Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could
> have sex...he could fly.
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this one is from Sharon

A professor at Alabama State gave a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raised their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one final question ...Have any of you ever fucked a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big farm boy replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he is at the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to fuck a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Aw Shit! From way back there, I thought you said, GOATS
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Posted by RichMedia

The monkey. . .

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it.... whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"


The guy says "No, what?"


"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....whole!"


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."


He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"


He asks, "No, what?" replies the guy.


"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first".

The Preacher.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too !"
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this is Rich's too
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother! says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


Gone Fishing?

A man calls home to his Wife and says,

"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new Blue Silk Pajamas too."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish. He says,

"Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new Blue Silk Pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies,

"I did, They're in your Tackle Box !"


ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
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from slimken

Hick Computer Terms

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
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these are from Greatdemolady (Rhoda)

AIR CONTROLLERS AROUND THE WORLD

Some of these are really funny. Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked,
"What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."


While taxiing at London 's Gatewick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking.....

"Wasn't I married to you once?"


and check this link:
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash...404_01.swf

put coin in ..
choose ..
click the cup ..
then click the word: APRI


RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

Lord, slow me down. Help me to feel the sun upon my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOSPITAL CHARTS: Actual notes from Hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Hole Behind You

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused

as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened;

and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

"I'm a salesman for Preparation H,

so I'm still a hole behind you!"


"Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days"

Lol!


THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS .....


NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!


HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother, Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

posts by Slimken

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE. Examples:
oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in cold water

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m. erection

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false
_________________
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." facts you should know

1. "Fine" - silently hostile word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to describe how she looks because this will only cause you to have one of those
arguments.)



2. "Five minutes" - its real equivalent is usually half an hour. In another equation, it is equivalent to the same five minutes that your television show is going to last before you take out the trash/wash the dishes, or some other house chore. Women feel that it's an even trade.


3. "Nothing" - really means something that you ought to know, and so you should be on your toes with this one. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".


4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - do not mistake this for angry permission; nothing could be further from the truth. This is a dare. If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that
will end with the word "fine."



5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - this, too, is not permission. It means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing"
and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.


6. "Loud Sigh" - this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. Sometimes, it is
the inarticulate prelude to "nothing". A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there, about to argue with you over "nothing."


7. "Soft Sigh" - the only positive utterance in her rapport, it means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.


8. "Oh" - this word, followed by any statement, is a signal for plain trouble. If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually
signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "go ahead", followed by several unspeakable acts.



9. "It's okay" - this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "It's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have
done. "It's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for a lot of trouble.


10. "Please Do" - this is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. Like "go ahead" with raised eyebrows, it's a dare.


11. "Thanks" - she is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."


12. "Thanks A Lot" - this is dramatically different from "thanks", so be guided accordingly. A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh" and signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing"



From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


")On the paper if it says “sign here” write “Libra”

2)Yell “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE” and run out

3)Cough the tune of “Is this the way to Amarillo?”

4)Tell the examiner the Geneva Convention gives you the right to bring your pet iguana in with you as a mascot

5)Write “I am pregnant with your child, Mr Examiner” (this doesn’t work if your name is Tom)

6)Pummel your fists loudly on the table, and then do a symbol noise when you’re done.

7)Roll your head back with your eyes bulging and your tongue sticking out, then if the examiner asks what’s wrong say- “my mum was my dad until two weeks ago.” Follow with number 2.

8)Before an exam say to a geek “you have learned about the laws of gyrokflaction haven’t you?”

9)When the examiner asks if there are any questions- ask “Can I go to the toilet?”

10)Have a musical pen that plays the Nokia ring tone and accuse the examiner of having a mobile in the exam

11)Stand up and do the Macarena or funky chicken dance on the tabMac arena sit down and continue as if nothing has happened

12)If you are asked to leave yell in a childish voice- “I DON’T WANNA GO! I’M HAVING FUN!”

13)At the end of the exam stay in your seat. When the examiner asks why you are still there explain that all your knowledge sank to your bum during the exam so it is weighing you down.

14)Answer in Japanese. In a French exam.

15)Wear a stupid and large hat.

16)Scream “They’re COMING!!! THEY’RE GOING TO GET YOU!!!!”

17)Pretend to go into labour. Even if you are a guy.

18)Kneel on the floor, bow and say “All hail my mother” then sit back down. Should anyone ask what the hell you are on, say “it’s mothers day, duh- get with the program!”

19)Ask to go to the toilet. If the examiner says “yes” wait a few seconds, then get a look of relief on your face and say “thank you” to the examiner. Carry on writing.

20)Insist upon writing with a quill."


Believe it — blueballs is for real. The discomfort is caused when more blood flows into the penis than out. The uneven blood flow causes an increase in the volume of blood trapped in the genitals and contributes to the penis becoming erect and the testicles becoming engorged with blood.
• The Titanic's whistles could be heard from 11 miles away.
• A "quidnunc" is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip

• The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia.
• A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the Sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way, about 225 million years.

• The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.
• Virga are streaks of water drops or ice particles falling out of a cloud and evaporating before reaching the ground.

• A snowflake can take up to a hour to fall from the cloud to the surface of the Earth.
• "Jingle Bells" was originally written as a song for Thanksgiving.

• In France, Christmas is called Noel.
• It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred clockwise.

• Christmas trees are grown much like any other agricultural crop. About 112,000 acres in the northwest United States are planted with about 11 million trees.
• Roulette was invented by French mathematician Blaise Pascal. The popular game of chance was a byproduct of his experiments with perpetual motion.

• "Hybristophilia" is arousal derived by having sex with people who have committed crimes.
• According to international definition, fog occurs when visibility is 600 feet (200m) or less.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh,
I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for
$20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I lost my grip and fell off my perch!"


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her
to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then,
talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Annette"


Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell ! you, that was a damned
fine
sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from Slimken

Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Top 10 Sins in India

10. Marrying a blond is a sin. Making love to a blond is a partial sin.

9. Pre-marital sex is a sin. Marital sex is a partial sin.

8. Taking dowry is a sin. Giving dowry is a partial sin.

7. Bullying one's wife is a sin. Having to submit is a parital sin.

6. Gambling is a sin. Playing cards is a partial sin.

5. Drinking is a sin. Smoking is a partial sin.

4. Eating beef is a sin. Eaing pork is a partial sin.

3. Hurting a cow is a sin. Hurting insects is a partial sin.

2. Not phoning home is a sin. Running up a huge bill is a partial sin.

1. Forgetting first language is a sin. Speaking with an accent is a partial sin.


I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh,
and creates a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out,
up and down..
Can’t wait to brush my teeth
------------------------------
Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA ANDERSON?
A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.
Why is waist called a waist?
A:- coz anything above the pussy n below the tits Is a ‘waste’
Why was Phillip's girlfriend
annoyed?

ASmile Coz she found out that Phillips
24" inch was a TV.

Did u hear about the mouse
who took Viagra?
Half an hour later he was
walking around the kitchen
asking.... Where is the
damn pussy!

Difference btween power & Stamina?

Power is whena man can hang
wet towel over erect penis

Stamina is 2 keep it erect
till the towel dries!

Teacher: what do you want to become?
li'l Johnny: doctor !!
teacher: why?
lj: coz its the only profession where u
can tell a woman to take off her clothes
and ask her husband to pay for it

James Bond boasting
2 girls about new watch
BOND: It reads ur mind &
tells me u r not wearing
panties!
GIRL: But I m wearng em.
BOND: My watch is ONE hr fast!

Sex is like programing
One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO
SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Razz
_________________
Winston Churchill is quoted as having once said: "Most people, sometime in their lives, stumble across truth. Most jump up, brush themselves off, and hurry on about their business as if nothing had happened." Just as a bell that has been rung cannot be "unrung", the annoying problem with the Truth is that, once you learn it, you can not "unlearn" it.

Top Ten Tips to tell if you have PMS

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

YOU MUST BE A REDNECK IF
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food
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CAT LITTER CAKE RECIPE
(Read through the recipe first and then check out picture!)

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent

SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan... Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside. When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture. Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable... Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top. Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!


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Posted by RichMedia

This isn't a joke... it really works

> > > > How to hypnotize a man.......... two simple steps.
> > > > 1) Click on the link below
> > > > 2) Click on the picture...... drag around, then release the
> > > > mouse button. Repeat as many times you want

http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go...ezial.html


1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says, "It's not unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last