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wry thoughts.
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slimken
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wry thoughts.

“Suicide still accompany my daily thought process”

doesn’t that conflict with your thinking: “God is great” ?

if you are god’s creation and u killed that
won’t God be pissed?

and if there is no god ?
and no death either?
will we be the judges over ourselves?

this is what a guy said after his near death experience.


Not having the answer to those and other questions
there is one thing of which I am certain
If I try to off myself and don’t succeed
I very likely will wake up with more limitations than those I now have

“Institution” comes to mind.
For being a vegetable or handicapped or
just because that is where they put people that try to escape.

“we are all to run in the hampster wheel, cranking out pellets”

Society can ‘feed off of us’ even if we are in the asylum.
The drug companies will like another addict.


"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain signing to it...you and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough."
http://yogisworld.wordpress.com/
12-20-2006 08:03 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

I recognize my words.
I still feel the same accept I am conviced our consciousness Does go on
after death of the body.
I have had a "religious experience" since then.
I do [honestly] believe I was sent an angel.

when I ask the I Ching a serious question I have gotten answered
not in generalizations but like a bullet, straight to the heart of the matter.
I have been using the I Ching since 1975.
I write down my results and reflect back after time has passed.
It has been exactly right NUMEROUS TIMES!

I asked the I Ching if there really is a Deity and it gave me #22 Grace

it would take me too long to do a good job of retelling the story of how I met my angel.
suffice it to say, god has a sense of humor;)

I really do think we are here to learn and that is why we shouldn't think that Deity is running this mess!
We are making the mess!
even the earth's weather is said to be affected by our mental energies.
The B of L books seem to me to be the only true teaching.
you'd need to read them to argue it with me, want to?

I just cannot believe that any creator would allow the kind of suffering I see on this planet.
The turtle and the baby hippo that washed up together after the tsunami come to mind.
There is no way you can convince me a creator would be also the destroyer
and if it is true, I refuse to play even if it is the only game. I quit!
Some things I feel so strongly, they are the only reasons I care to exist at all.

I am absolutely not going to be a servant or a follower!
I will be a collaborator, a supporter, a soldier for the cause but ONLY if I believe in the cause.

I am not making a choice, the decision is coming from my gut feelings.

yeah, if you run away you will find yourself in the same mess.
The only thing anyone can make you do is to die
so, you might as well go for what you want.
in the end.. it ends either way.
i'd rather it end with out me having regrets.

a sig I saw said:
"the only thing wrong with this life is you are forced to keep playing untill you lose"

My conclusion to that is, yeah, I will never have it all together the minute I fix the house, my ass will fall off!
there is always some new obstacle
all I can do is make sure I play by my rules and try to enjoy the game.

*It is very important for me to feel I am being who I want to be.

12-21-2006 04:01 AM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

there is a lot missing here.
to give some concreteness to emotions and gut feelings, more of the story is required.
there are two ways to tell it, one is from how I see it, the other is to simply say,'This is what happened".
I am not at all sure I want to put it out for strangers to discect.
if asked, I might...

the simple truth is we could change the world if we would begin with our selves.
It is the anger and frustration that comes from fighting a battle that sours the air.
I think we contribute to our own defeat this way:
"resist ye not evil lest ye become entangled with it"
more contemporary:
"fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity"

"Be the change you want to see" {can be as simple as being the one who enters the room with a smile causing everyone to feel joyous

when you feel full of joy you also are likely to share that, are you not?
because your cup feels half full, not half empty.

to change the world the first thing to do is change my attitiude.
to change my attitude I change my focus.
stop looking at the hole in my doughnut instead of the cake.

12-21-2006 04:19 AM
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slimken
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RE: wry thoughts.

cool i like the depth of your reply.


"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain signing to it...you and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough."
http://yogisworld.wordpress.com/
12-21-2006 04:58 AM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

last night it was not easy to keep focused.
I woke up in the middle of the night and stayed awake for hours.
it occurs to me I have lived alone so long I have habits that would be really hard of I shared a house with anyone.
Try impossible.
I don't want to give up my freedom

01-04-2007 09:38 AM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

There's always some compromise when living with someone else.
When QC was still in the picture, I had to think about all the things that I normally do or occasionally would do that would have to disappear if she had ever come over here to live. I thought at the time that she was worth it. Old habits would be replaced with new ones.

Right now, I'm living in a house with someone when for nearly 2 years I was living by myself. Giving up the ability to run around the place naked for no good reason was easy, but a let down.

01-04-2007 11:24 AM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

I am waaay passed the point of compromising.
23-24 years it has been with me solo.
this house is too small to get away from someone else.
no where to go for privacy.

I don't think I can adjust. I am not motivated to.
I like the property at the top of Panoramic Way!
it is two pods connected by a tube you could drive a car thru.
the houses are built like twin pods, half into the ground. half out.

01-04-2007 11:56 AM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

I can understand that.
That's a long time to be living alone, and it's not like you're a hermit, so there's nothing wrong with that choice. If it works for you, then why not?

01-05-2007 07:58 AM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

I was an only child.
My parents asked me if I wanted them to adopt another, I said Hell NO!
I do not want to share my dessert!
boy am I glad they didn't!

back in the days when I lived with Eda I had to go to bed when she did, get up when she did, always her desires were met before mine.
our apartment [two doors down from me] was the same place I moved out of when Rda and I separated, then moved back into when she married #4.
I maintained it till Jill came along, then the routeen of cleaning went straight to hell.
I have never lived in a house with a partner, if the house were big enough to go watch tv without keeping them up ...
being in the little house sans anyone was my first time being able to make as much noise at any hour and I don't think I can give that up [and keep my sanity]

i'd have to be out of my mind with :love:

as for rompin' in the raw, it is too fucking cold to take off my nine layers!
after those quakes, I keep my shoes on too!

01-05-2007 02:48 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

The noise at any time factor is a big one for me. I've had moments where I have an itching to play my guitar at 1am. I've rocked out on that thing here even when my landlord was sleeping downstairs, but he sleeps with the TV blasting, so he doesn't notice.

01-05-2007 03:11 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

you'd have lost your mind in the old apartment!
I could hear the neighbor flick on/off his light switch in the bedroom!

my parents would sleep like the dead.
Greg accidently shot a hole in the wall w/his .357, right under their bedroom.
At first I thought they might be afraid to come down .. I had a halloween party going with some people from Peg's bar... ah the fun times when I still lived at home.
it is going to be hard to live there with all the echos of people long gone

you know the example of the snail, the nautitis? As it grows it builds chambers?
the metaphore for moving back into that house is like going back into those chambers
it was so hard to go back after my mom died it will be harder now after Eda is dead too.
All the memories of all the inhabitants and those times is all a was.
even more vividly so, after I just pulled the plug on Colleen.
I'll be sitting the chair she sat in on my 21st birthday party that Eda organized ..the same chair Roger used to sit in and my Uncle Stan.
Too many memories! it wouldn't be bad if I could call them up and say hello
it is the fact I can't ever see them or hear from them again that gets me.
I figure to go back and start selling those crystal glasses and the things I will never use.
I have to get market rent or close to it for this house
I am sick of subsidizing others with my generosity!
900 for an apt. in a building on the corner, this is a house.
how much more value for being able to play that guitar at any hour?
what should I add on for that?

01-05-2007 03:33 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

HAHA, it's a valuable thing to have. When I'm playing that late, it's sometimes because I have a tune in my head that I want to write, or just to blow off steam. After QC sabotaged things, I had some nights where I couldn't sleep. I would be up at 3, 4, or 5 am. Instead of struggling to sleep, I try to do something with the time to tire myself out more. I'm good enough with the guitar where I can play with emotion. It's very helpful.

Other times, I just write, which is more cathartic. I don't have people to really talk to about my problems, so I've come up with ways to help myself.

01-05-2007 04:02 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

that must be nice to be able to express thru music.
your finger tips have callouses? I gave up guitar for that reason, it hurt!

the writing is being your own sounding board.
I have to burn mine periodically elst they may become a liability.

01-05-2007 04:19 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

Yup, I have callouses all over my hands. I used to have more when I used to do a lot of cutting with a craft knife <-- that was painful, and since one company I was with abused that talent of mine, I can't do it anymore.

But yeah, I have serious callouses on my finger tips from a lot of practicing. I play at least a little everyday, and sometimes travel with it if I'm going away. I was going to buy a guitar when I got to the Philippines. I don't think I could have survived 2 weeks without playing once.

The writing I do, mostly, is to help me think things out. It's super rare that I ever read it, but if I do, I either see some progression, or that I'm repeating the same mistakes.

01-05-2007 04:42 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

callouses from holding a crafts utensil? {who'd have thunk it?!

you can't get rid of them either, can you?

you are hooked on the guitar, huh? I am surprised you are not making tapes, or are you?

01-05-2007 05:45 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

not at the moment. I need to get a good mic to record with.

For me, callouses do go away after a while. I've had times where I rarely played guitar, and the callouses would almost be back to normal skin.

"callouses from holding a crafts utensil? {who'd have thunk it?!"

Imagine that being your job for 8 months, 40+ hours a week. The first pain is on the index finger from pressing down (the last joint used to be able to bend nearly 90° backwards). Then come the blisters, which later become callouses. After that, it's carpol tunnel syndrom, and that's where I'm at now.

They tried getting me to do the same type of work at the new job in NJ, but i declined. I told them that I physically couldn't do it anymore, and that I wasn't trying to be a premidonna.

01-05-2007 06:21 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

I feel this lap top on my right arm, gotta get off it now in fact, 4 hrs in one sitting.

I wonder if you can get a big fist sized wad of play doh, stick the tool in it and squeaze, making something big and fat, easy to hold, that holds your tool?
once you have that, you can cast it and fill the form with something akin to rubber?
sell them with interchangeable tools?

01-05-2007 07:00 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

I eventually got my hands on a catalog and ordered some good ergonomically shaped tools (paid for by the company). They don't last very long though. The threading to tighten the blade strips too easily. Since it wasn't my dime, I could always order another one.

That only helped out to some extent. I'd say the damage to my wrists was already done before that however. The speed of which I needed to cut things out and the thickness of the board that I had to cut were the major factors.

If I were to do something for myself, I would be able to take my time, and if the pain comes up, I stop and leave it for another day.

01-06-2007 09:17 AM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

what is it you make?

01-06-2007 12:49 PM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

I think this took 2 days to make.

   

The other think I made was a board game. I didn't come up with the game, it's an old game that isn't published anymore, but some friends of mine still love to play it. Our copy got so worn that you could tell which card was what from the dog-earing or folding. So I made new cards, and redesigned all of the boards and game pieces.
Fun stuff!

01-06-2007 04:56 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

"So I made new cards, and redesigned all of the boards and game pieces." { where do u get playing cards made to specs?!
How to get the materials to make the board?!

you have the original for a template, then what?
did you hand paint the board*?

I try to keep things alive and lots of times I could if I had the right stuff!
it is hard to find springs and hinges and things.
I had to take apart two sets of hinges to make one set that would swing in either direction to make my dog doorswing both ways.
I couldn't buy the fucking hinge, I had to make it!
and the game peices, did you cast your own?
I hope I can make use of the know-how!

I was unable to find a cage for the mice that lets me pull out the bottom
and clean it without entering their 'compound'
I was not even able to buy the wire to make one!

*i am thinking, you should make a line of custom games, maybe some of your own characters or
how ablut custom chess boards and pieces?
I wonder if there are people who have lost a few of their pieces and would pay to have them recreated?
People spend big bucks on ivory and marble chess sets.

a new age one made of acrylic?
how about putting a liquid inside some of the pieces?
a glow in the dark or temp. sensitive fluid?

even one that lights up? use l.e.d lights inside the board?
there used to be a big checker board with pieces the size of hambergers
it was in the bar/waiting area at Coffee Cantata on Union st.
hmm, retail.. I wonder if there is a chain that needs a gimick?
a domino pizza game to play while you are waiting for or indulging in their pizza?

I smell money!


01-07-2007 01:40 AM
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Frankybonz
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RE: wry thoughts.

If I thought the way you did, I would be living in a palace somewhere...'
Sadly, it's not the way my brain works.

I used scrap matte board for the game board and pieces. The designs themselves were done on the computer, or hand drawn.

I printed those out onto glossy paper and glued them to the matte board and cut everything out. I eventually put acetate on top to keep everything smooth and clean. My friends were impressed.

The cards were enough of a challenge that I had them sent out to be made. I used a place that I do my business cards with out in your neck of the woods. They're cheap and they do a great job. The cards are smooth and thick (excellent for shuffling :wink: ). The next challenge was getting the info onto the fronts of the cards: Sticker sheets and a laser printer.

I have a photo somewhere of the final product. I have to find it.

01-07-2007 02:39 PM
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Annette



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RE: wry thoughts.

I have ideas and no knowledge of how to implement them.
I am imagining a board game for the cone gnome..
where is he hiding? (under a cone?)
which street will the next player block?
How do you get across town? who is first wins.
throw dice to get the count,
write what combination lets you do what
a double[2 3's or 2 6's] gives power to do [what]
snake eyes means you go back..
can you think of how to make it interesting?
you have the character and the premise already.
it could become a video game.
each player starts out on foot
decide what dice tosses will get you on a bus or a car or a taxi

part of the drama of the game could be other variables
you are racing a pregnant woman to the delivery room
you are a commuter, late for work, student late for school.

advancing across the board, like monolpoly the game it's self could be timed.
a race across town and maybe to achieve certain goals along the way?
I am on a bus but it breaks down.
I have to get the suit from the cleaners before I get to work but the gnome has the street blocked..
maybe even add reasons to it?
the gnome could be no one, just comes up as you shuffle the deck?
or
the person who gets to play the gnome is blocking streets "why?"
if you guess the reason, you can pass?
seriously, I have a idea for an article of clothing that incorperates gloves, scarf/muffler and handy carrying case.
it can be made for kids who loose their mittens
it can be made for riding a motorcycle or an accessory to an evening gown
all depending on the material used.
I made a "statement of ownership" of the idea, I filed an Oath at the notary
in the 80's.
getting a pattent is very expensive and not an assurance at all.
I was told, China and other over seas countries would steal the idea, make them cheaper than we can and I'd be powerless against them; they are not bound by our pattent laws.
interesting, the best time to make your product is while the pattent is still pending.
after, then they go and change just enought to get around you.
I was advised, if I could get 5 cents for each item sold, that would be as good as it got.
I tried approaching Isotoner Glove Company, they tried to say they might be already about to launch it
and not wanting to hear my idea incase they were already on to it.
twenty years later .. no one has made my invention.

I just do not have the stamina to fight anymore.
I want to sell the idea and rest.
I have another invention for mountain bikes that scrapes the mud off the wheel.
no one has made it yet either.
I tried to file for a pattent on it and I was refused.
the pattent dept showed me some shit made in the 20's that is not at all what Mine is like!
I think that is why a pattent lawyer gets paid to jump over the hurdle with wording.
I didn't want to pour money into something and get it stolen.
another item I had in service for over 20 years, still no one is making this:
Piddle proof pillow and bed covers.
I got them made, zipper and all but the store wanted to mark it up x15!
that made it too costly for the consumer.
in order to get them sewn cheaper I had to order 10,000 pillow covers :sigh:
I just threw mine out last week, all the waterproofing had washed off.
it has only been since 1985!
they were great!
I had one big enough to cover the king sized bed.
I put it on the clothes line, hosed it off and it was dry in ten minutes!
I need money but I am afraid I will get screwed, I usually do, and I will go mad :rage:

01-08-2007 04:56 AM
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Annette



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Post: #24
RE: wry thoughts.

slimken Wrote:

“Suicide still accompany my daily thought process”


do you think there might be an active benevolent force?
and maybe, though I never want to truly acknowledge this, lest it lend power to it
also there is a force that tries to undo the good?

what if all we needed to do to surmount the evil and feed the good is to be happy in this moment?

do you think thoughts or prayers have power?
Northfork argued this point with me, I said,
a person's energy can be felt in a totally dark room when other wise you'd not know, by sight or by sound, that they were near.

I think our mind's cause our bodies to generate "energy" {substance that is felt over long distances
I think, if you are naturally a helpful person, you have great power to feed the good side of the force but
because of your strong passions if your thoughts are turned to sadness or anger you are feeding the dark side
I think it is possible that some of the discontent you feel is "put onto you" to slow you or stop you from helping yourself to shine and help warm this world.
You do not have to own thoughts that "dis-empower you" JUST SAY NO!
Put it like this, your mind is only capable of holding so many thoughts
If you want to change your th oughts you have to make room
you can choose to focus and fill your mind with thoughts that empower you instead.
By holding THOSE thughts your mind will be too full to let in the undermining ones.
you know what thinking makes you feel warm inside and what thinking makes you feel angry, empty. {don't allow yourself to dwell on those!
you'd be letting the dark side win.
even though you are far away, your presence is feltby many.
it feeds the good side of the force :stormtrooper:
I found this gif and thought of you}
.gif File  kujayhwk.gif (Size: 84.64 KB / Downloads: 5)

01-16-2008 02:22 AM
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