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Cartoons and stuff to make you smile
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Annette



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Toungue  Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

this will be my Xmas card    

12-12-2006 05:25 AM
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Annette



Posts: 2,197
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #2
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile




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GOT YOU! :signrofl:


:santa: :reindeer: :xmastree: :xmasgift: :snowman:

12-12-2006 05:57 AM
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Annette



Posts: 2,197
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #3
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

this got cut off the joke above}

15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call fish with no eyes? Fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"

18. A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She
reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and
tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for
a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great . . . just great . . .
Some asshole's got my pen."
_____________________________________________________






A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on
> a subway
> >> >>>seat next to a priest. The man's tie was
> stained, his
> >> >>>face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
> half empty
> >> >>>bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
> coat pocket.
> >> >>>He opened his newspaper and began reading.
> After a few
> >> >>>minutes the man turned to the priest and
> asked," Say,
> >> >>>Father, what causes arthritis?"
> >> >>>
> >> >>>"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being
> with cheap,
> >> >>>wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for
> your
> >> >>>fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes
> and lack
> >> >>>of bath."
> >> >>>
> >> >>>"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,
> returning to
> >>
> >>>his paper.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>The priest, thinking about what he had said,
> nudged the
> >> >>>man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't
> mean to
> >> >>>come on so strong. How long have you had
> arthritis?"
> >> >>>
> >> >>>"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
> here that
> >> >>>the Pope does."


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but

the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User. (KEEP READING)



_____________________________________





REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will

return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use

will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !


WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,

Tech Support

once a fox came to the lion and said:
lets go to the rabbit and ask for a sigaret if he gives us one without filter we say "why you gave us one without filter asshole? you want to kill us?" and then we shoot him. if he gave us one WITH filter we say "you gave us one with filter???" and we shoot him
the lion liked the idea a lot and they went to the rabbit,, the lion asked for a sigarret..
the rabbit was smart, so he thought for a momment and then said:
what kind of sigarret do you want? with filter or without filter?
the fox was shocked..
the lion said with filter.. the rabbit gave him a sigarett with filter..
then the lion said to the rabbit : "why your not wearing a hat????" and shot him


hahahah
god i love silly jokes


Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,


the PRINCESS.


But there was a problem.

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;


metal,


wood,


stone,


anything she touched would melt.




Because of this, men were afraid of her.

Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter?


He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.




The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her

and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.



The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.




The second prince brought diamonds.



He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


:-[

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.




She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)




V




V





M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.




What were you thinking??




texan sex positions
>
>
> Two Texans were out on the range talking about their
> favorite sex positions.
> One said, "I think I
> enjoy the rodeo position the best."
>
> "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said
> the other cowboy. "What is it?"
>
> "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all
> fours and you mount her from
> behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of
> her breasts in your hands
> and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
>
> "Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
_________________


A minister decided that a visual demonstration

would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup -
-Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation
What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke

and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies??

* is this the 700th post?
who will be the one to make the 1,000 th post?


A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD".

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS.

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S
HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME
_________________
Senility Prayer} grant me the senility to forget the people that I never liked.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do & the eye sight to tell the difference.

A man staggered home late after another evening with
> his drinking buddies.
>
> Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife,
> he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
> leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
> bottom step in the darkened entryway.
>
>
> As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
> his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
> rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
> and made the landing especially painful.
>
> Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung
> up, pulled down his pants, and examined his
> lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a
> nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a
> large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to
> place a patch as best he could on each place he saw
> blood.
>
>
> After hiding the now almost empty box, he
> managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
>
>
> In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain
> in head and butt and his wife staring at him from
> across the room. She said,
>
> "You were drunk again last night."
>
>
> Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked
> meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you
> say such a mean thing?"
>
> "Well," she said, "it could be the open front
> door,
>
> it could be the broken glass at the bottom of
> the stairs,
>
> it could be the drops of blood trailing
> through the house,
>
> it could be your bloodshot eyes,
>
> but, mostly....
>
> It's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs
> mirror !!!


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
> > They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
> > along with... "a recipe".
> >
> > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell

> *BINGO*!


> > What's the difference between a northern fairytale

> and a southern
> > fairytale?
> > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

> A southern
> fairytale
> > begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
> >

The Explanation of Life

This explains it all! Or does it?

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit
all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give
me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.


On the second day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty-year life
span."


The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for
twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?" And
God agreed.


On the third day God created the cow. God said,
"You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you
a life span of
sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back
the other forty."
And God agreed again.


On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat,
sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."


Man said, "What? Only twenty years?! Tell you
what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten
the monkey gave back
and the ten the dog gave back...that makes eighty,
okay?"


"Okay", said God, "You've got a deal."


So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;
for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

" Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known

That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown. __



Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement. Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak. Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip. Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge. Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. He who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs. Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour
group and explore the city on his own. He wanders
around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at
a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with
the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.


After a while, he finds himself in a very high class
neighborhood..... big, stately residences. no pubs, no
stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC
RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all
those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with
high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a
London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a
public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He
leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a
wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away ,...
anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass
lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.


As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie
"That was really decent of you ... is that "British
Hospitality ?"

"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on
his face, "that is the French Embassy."


Baked Stuffed Turkey Recipe


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for
people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked,
but not dried out, NOT BURNT,

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (! ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste ______________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with
melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and
popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the
popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and
the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Xmas w/ Crocker

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookies.........


Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried! fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.


CHERRY MISTMAS


A LOVE LETTER FROM A FAMOUS MATHEMATICIAN TO HIS BELOVED

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from
your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a
tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real
roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me.The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.You are as essential
to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would
be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras






12-13-2006 03:41 AM
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Annette



Posts: 2,197
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #4
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

A big Texan cowboy stopped in at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptuous looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful as well.

He asked the waiter, "Hery amigo, what is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, I can see that you have excellent taste! Those are called, "Cojones del Toro"
-- bull's testicles, from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, thought momentarily daunted, then said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be able to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. But...sometimes the bull wins!


Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was a great sage. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.




Will Rogers on Growing Older

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
_________________



Purush ssent this:

EURO - ENGLISH
>
>Beware and be warned!
>
>The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
>will be the
>official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the
>other
>possibility.
>
>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
>spelling had
>some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan for what
>would become
>known as 'Euro-English'.
>
>In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make
>the sivil
>servants jump with joy.
>The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up
>konfusion &
>keyboards kan have one less letter.
>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>troublesome 'ph' will
>be replaced with 'f'.This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
>
>In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
>reach the stage
>where more komplikated changes are possible.
>
>Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always
>ben a
>deterent to akurate speling.
>Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is
>disgrasful and
>it should go away.
>
>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with
>'z' and 'w'
>with 'v'.
>
>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining
>'ou' and after
>ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
>understand ech oza.
>Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vunted in ze
>forst plas.
>If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
_________________


these jokes came from duranfan's forum, spy grrls:

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.

The next day the women all got together.

The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house."

After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandmother to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along
the driveway when suddenly Lulu's grandma came by and saw her
granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here,
dear?"

Not willing to let her know the truth, Lulu told her that the policemen
were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of
the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back, and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.
_________________


"Fire Fighter"

A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides,
a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "
You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren.
_________________

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko..

11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, Whack! Dang.
A bad skydiver goes Dang! Whack.

22. How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Now, admit it, corny as they are, at least one of these made you smile....
_________________


Do a few of these ring a bell with you?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out
of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and
with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money,
loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind!
_________________


I heard the story told recently about a king in Africa who had a close friend that he grew up with.
The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.
Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!"
and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should
have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood,
set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb.
Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend.
He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right" he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"
"What do you mean, 'this is good!' How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."
_________________

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow
sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. ”Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. ”Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly. ”Now take off my socks.”
He did. ”Now take off my skirt.” He did. ”Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.


Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I’ll fire you on the spot.”
_________________

You know you are trailer trash when:

- The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.

- You holler to your wife, "Hey come see the size
of this thing before I flush it."

- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.

- You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.

- You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.

- Your junior prom had a daycare.

- You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

- You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.

- The bluebook value of your truck goes up
and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

- You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.

- If you have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say Cool Whip on the side....

- If the biggest city you've ever been to
is Wal-Mart...

- If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table...

- If you've ever used a toilet brush as a
back scratcher

- If you missed 5th grade graduation because
you had jury duty...



Repent

A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: The End Is Near!Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve ahead, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
_________________

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_________________

Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.


Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.


The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."


The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.


He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.


He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.


The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.


The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ....


" Oh my, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!!"
_________________Computer Class

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was
all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

French Class

A language instructor was explaining to her class that, in French, nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine -"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine -"le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups (appropriately enough, by gender) and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun. both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but they are essentially clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
_________________

12-13-2006 04:10 AM
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Annette



Posts: 2,197
Group: Administrator
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline
Reputation:
Post: #5
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Joke E-Mails


Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency in the modern world, real or imaginary.We know and take responsibility for all we have done ...and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music
The pride out of appearance
The courtesy out of driving
The romance out of love
The commitment out of marriage
The responsibility out of parenthood
The togetherness out of the family
The learning out of education
The service out of patriotism
The Golden Rule from rulers
The nativity scene out of cities
The civility out of behavior
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment
The prudence out of spending
The ambition out of achievement, or...
God out of governments ...and schools

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? or O Canada ?

Just look at the Seniors ...with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts... as they stand at attention, on veterans' day or memorial day, and our great countries' birthdays


YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!!!

I'm the life of the party... even if it lasts until 8 p.m

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going


I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up


I'm smiling all the time ...because I can't hear a thing you're saying

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine

I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care



I'm not really grouchy...

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg

I'm having trouble.... remembering simple words... like...

I'm beginning to realize aging is not for wimps

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?


I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?


And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now... if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!


Now- Have I already sent this to you???????
_________________

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

"thanks for all of those, Rhoda!"

"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...

The senility to forget the people I never liked

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do

And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Lord, slow me down. Help me to feel the sun upon my face.
_________________
Senility Prayer} grant me the senility to forget the people that I never liked.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do & the eye sight to tell the difference.


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?


Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?


We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.


We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.


We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.


To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.


If you are UP to! it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.


When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP.


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP..... :tard:
_________________



So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are> grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney. 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.


Northern Cal Barbies:

Mattel Inc. today announces the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls, specifically for the Northern California Market:

Pleasanton Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at the Stoneridge Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.

San Ramon Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit available.

Richmond Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9-mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and Meth Lab Ken.

Pinole Barbie:
This Barbie is the wanna-be San Ramon Barbie, only she usually carries a knife with which to stab her fellow Barbies in the back. She's available with cell phone, SUV and a drink in her hand.

El Sobrante Barbie:
This Barbie is truly one of a kind. Comes with Biker Ken & his Harley and a replica of the Capri Club. She only hangs out with Ken because he has a bike and when he's not around she's looking for another man - who has a bike. Watch out! She usually doesn't care if he has a wife or girlfriend. Otherwise known as Scooter Tramp Barbie.

Folsom Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Sacramento Barbie:
This Barbie comes with an exclusive set of luggage since she is always traveling to the Bay area or to Reno/Tahoe; very rarely stays at home. She comes with two basketball jerseys since she's an avid Kings/Monarchs fan. River Cats Ken available separately. State Worker version has a look of perpetual concern on her face over the disposition of her politically driven employment. Also comes with seasonal allergy kit

.
Yuba City Barbie:
This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's butt when she's drunk. A pickup is available with stick-on Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Tahoe Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear a leopard print ski outfit without looking passÊ, even if you are actually skiing.

Berkeley Barbie:
This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tank top, low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.
(Annette says: I am next door to berkeley, I have more dogs than berkeley will allow!)

Crockett/Hercules Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and rusty old Ford pick up.

San Francisco Barbie:
Immaculately turned out, couture dressed, cultured and well-coiffed. Wait, actually, that's San Francisco Ken.

They are working on developing an "Oakland Barbie", but she keeps getting shot.


----------
The First Day of School

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said
'Give me



Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except forPedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836.b

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney, 2006
_________________

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.



The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.



The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.



“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.



“So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!! He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!’



"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
_________________

this came from laughingwolf:

Dick Cheney and George Bush are having breakfast at the White House cafeteria.

An attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he wants to eat, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal, milk, juice and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" she asks.

George replies with his trademark wink, and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, MISTER President!!" the waitress exclaims, "How RUDE! You're starting to act like Mr.CLINTON... and you've only been in your second term of office for a YEAR!''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced '"keesh" [Quiche], George."
_________________

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker, (who also happened to be the local postal clerk), to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:



"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"



Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:





"RETURNED UNOPENED"
_________________

this just in from Laughingwolf:

I think the life cycle is all backwards



You should start out dead and get it out of the way.



Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.



You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.



You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.



You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you

get ready for High School.



You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...



You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully, in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then... you finish off as an orgasm.



I rest my case.
_________________

another from LW


PERKS OF BEING OVER 50...

(If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested... in you


2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first, or not even taken


3. No one expects you to run --from or to-- anywhere


4. People, who call after 9 pm, ask, "Did I wake you ?"


5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac


6. There is nothing left to learn... the hard way


7. Some things you buy now won't wear out in your lifetime


8. You can eat dinner... at 4 pm, and no one asks why


9. You can live without sex... but not without your glasses


10. You can get into heated arguments... about pension plans


11. You no longer think of speed limits... as challenges


12. You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room


13. You sing along... with elevator music... and know all the words


14. Your eyes won't get too much worse


15. Your investment, in health insurance, is finally beginning to pay off


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, they can't remember them either


18. Your supply of brain cells is, finally, down to a manageable size


19. You can't recall who sent you this list, why, or care




20. You notice these notes are, all, in BIG LETTERS, for your convenience


Forward this to everyone... you can remember
_________________


We all need to read this one... over and over... until it becomes part of who we are!


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything... twice.


On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this on her epitaph: "Tried everything twice... loved it... both times! "

2. Keep only cheerful friends.


The grouches pull you down.

(Keep this in mind, if you are one of those grouches)




3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle.


"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."


And that devil's name is: Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.



5. Laugh often, long and loud.


Laugh until you gasp for breath.


And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.




6. Tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.

The only person who is with us, our entire life, is ourselves.


LIVE ... while YOU are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

YOUR home is YOUR refuge.
_________________

from L.W.
this one's a riot!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember w hich.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
______________ __ _______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: I was .... Uh....
_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Huh?
______ _____ _______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! Geez.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Ye ... Huh?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY*: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


*I think I hired that guy once
_________________

This is From Red Rose:



This mail was voted the best mail of the year...
.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed "Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,packed their lunches, drove them to school. Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried
t o make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh
beans for supper.

After supper,he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry,bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite w isdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, through.

"You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year. Not surprising at all.
_________________


This one is from greatdemolady:

How to Call the Police
>
> George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told
> him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
> bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
> that there were people in the shed stealing things.
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then
> they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door
> and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up,
> counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
> shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
> all." Then he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance
> showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars
> red-handed.
>
> One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
>
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
_________________


12-13-2006 04:21 AM
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Annette



Posts: 2,197
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Reputation:
Post: #6
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring
all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on
him....

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes....

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his
chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the
ground.

As he rolled! over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching
for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ....."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ....

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all
around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, YOU TAUGHT OTHERS I
DIDN'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDITED CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU
EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A
BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said,
"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years,
but per! haps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

.. and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."




SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS

>

> PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS

> IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

>

> IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,"I THINK I'M GOING TO

> MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

>

> THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE

> ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

>

> THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS

> LIVING THERE."

>

> ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY

> SWEET,CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL....THERE AREN'T

> ANY NUNS THERE



THE BAPTIST BRA
>
> A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He
> told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
>
> With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
>
> He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
> Baptist
> bra and that you would know what she wanted."
>
> "Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
> requests
> for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic
> bra
> or the Salvation bra, or the Presbyterian type."
>
> Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the
> differences?"
>
> The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
> supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
> Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
>
> He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the
> Baptist type for?"
>
> "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."




Q. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A. so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

Q. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A. you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
A. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Q. don't know......it never happened
A. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Q. because a vibrator can't mow the lawn esh from dribbleglass.com:

A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

The BEST anti-theft device for your car I've seen yet: *link*

Teletubbies distrubed me... these things frighten me: *link*

Best online quiz ever: *link*

These things are just adorable. I plan on using some of them in the future: *link*

When visiting Mexico, don't srink the water, don't eat the food: *link*




1. Name a roadsign that would make a great tattoo on your inner thigh    



girlie ha ha's

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." ~ Edmund Burke

Quote

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.

The next day the women all got together.

The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house."

After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . .as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . .he used words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"


Fresh from ilovebacon.com:

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" v The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

t girlfriend:

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandmother to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along
the driveway when suddenly Lulu's grandma came by and saw her
granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here,
dear?"

Not willing to let her know the truth, Lulu told her that the policemen
were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of
the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back, and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.

MOUSE BALLS

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real
memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. T he engineers
rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger an d harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
>Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse
balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his
balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and
replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer
without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
_________________

12-13-2006 05:04 AM
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Annette



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Post: #7
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Things to do at Wal-Mart

10 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your
spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

12-13-2006 05:20 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile













a card 4 all seasons


the new year's ball drop


fred basset

[/quote]


marmaduke

12-13-2006 05:55 AM
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slimken
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Post: #9
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

http://meetingplace.createmybb.com/showthread.php?tid=156


"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain signing to it...you and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough."
http://yogisworld.wordpress.com/
12-25-2006 10:11 PM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

this is a copy/paste of Kenhypno's post}

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic............................A sheep dog.

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

D&C............................Where Washington is.

Dilate...........................To live long.

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...........................A small lie.

G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...........................I knew it.

Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.

Secretion.....................Hiding something

Seizure........................Roman emperor.

Tablet.........................A small table.

Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..........................More than one.

Urine..........................Opposite of mine.

Varicose......................Near by/close by

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
_________________
Winston Churchill is quoted as having once said: "Most people, sometime in their lives, stumble across truth. Most jump up, brush themselves off, and hurry on about their business as if nothing had happened." Just as a bell that has been rung cannot be "unrung", the annoying problem with the Truth is that, once you learn it, you can not "unlearn" it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05-04-2007 01:39 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

A DOG NAMED SEX


Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"


One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/animal3_html.htm

05-14-2007 01:37 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
> and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were
> Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
> on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
> causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally
> talked to their priest.
>
> The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
> After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as
> the
> priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
> Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
>
> Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
> and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the
> neighborhood.
>
> The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed
> into
> Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and preparing to scold him, he stopped
> and watched in amazement.
>
> There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
> carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born
> a
> deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

05-15-2007 04:59 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

As daily habit litte Johnny was reading newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance
System' ? "

" Its Like...", father said while thinking, " See! I earn and bring

Money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where
and
how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid
in our
home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'.

You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the
'Next Generation', understand?".

That day Johnny slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the
night he
woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matresses so
he
was crying.

Johnny went to wake-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Johnny went
to
the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping. So
he
came back with
frustration.

Next morning father asked Johnny, " Hey Johnny! You understood the
'Governance System'? ".

Johnny replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is
exploiting
Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is
crying For
not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man Is
suffering!"



05-17-2007 05:05 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

This one is from laughingwolf

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
>

> 1. Golden Retriever:
>
> The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead
> of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
>

> 2. Border Collie:
>
> Just one.
>
> And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
>

> 3. Dachshund:
>
> You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>

> 4. Rottweiller:
>
> Make me.
>

> 5. Boxer:
>
> Who cares?
>
> I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
>

> 6. Lab:
>
> Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
>
> Can I, huh? Can I, huh?
>
> Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
>

> 7. German Shepherd:
>
> I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check
> to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter
> patrol to see no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
>

> 8. Jack Russell Terrier:
>
> I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
>

> 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb?
>
> I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
>

> 10. Cocker Spaniel:
>
> Why change it?
>
> I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
>

> 11. Chihuahua:
>
> Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
>
> Or, "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
>

> 12. Greyhound:
>
> It isn't moving.
>
> Who cares?
>

> 13. Australian Cattle Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
> little circle...
>

> 14. Poodle:
>
> I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it.
>
> By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>
>
>
> How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>
>
>
> Cats do not change light bulbs.
>
> People change light bulbs.
>
> So, the real question is:
>

> "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, sex,
> and a massage?"
>
> ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS... HAVE
> STAFF!
>
>

05-17-2007 05:06 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

this one came [today] from laughingwolf {is that why you're a laughingwolf?

IDIOT SIGHTINGS


Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor, on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said, we had the largest one Sears made, at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

I responded, 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, "NO, it's not.

"Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

"I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, anymore."

From Kingman , KS.

_________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell, and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a chef?

Yep... from Kansas City, MO.

_________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly, and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

__________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, (read: blonde).

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

She was a probation officer, in Wichita , KS
____________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: she was leaving the company, due to "downsizing".

Our manager commented, cheerfully, "This is fun.

"We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch... at Texas Instruments.

_____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy, with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

_____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department, and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle, and discovered it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side!"

This was at the Ford dealership, in Canton, Mississippi.
______________________________________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they VOTE... and, yes, they REPRODUCE!!

06-11-2007 01:52 PM
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Annette



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AGE AND TREACHERY

AGE AND TREACHERY.
> >>
> >> A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari
> >> in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named
> >> Cuddles, along for the company.
> >>
> >> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and
> >> before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.
> >> Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading
> >> rapidly in her direction with the intention of
> >> having lunch.
> >>
> >> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
> >> now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
> >> she immediately settles down to chew on the bones
> >> with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the
> >> leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims
> >> loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
> >> wonder if there are any more around here?"
> >>
> >> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
> >> mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he
> >> slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
> >> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
> >> me!"
> >>
> >> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
> >> scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
> >> knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
> >> from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle
> >> sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
> >> and figures that something must be up. The monkey
> >> soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
> >> and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
> >>
> >> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
> >> and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see
> >> what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
> >>
> >> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the
> >> monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to
> >> do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down
> >> with her back to her attackers, pretending she
> >> hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
> >> enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that
> >> damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
> >> another leopard!"
> >>
> >> Moral of this story..
> >>
> >> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will
> >> always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and
> >> brilliance only come with age and experience!
> >>

06-12-2007 01:11 AM
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Annette



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Post: #17
RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile


Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.



Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.



Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.



Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.



AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.



The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.



Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.



Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.



Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.



Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.



Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.



Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..



David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.



Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.



Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.



Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.



Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).



George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.



Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.



Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.



Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!



Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.



Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.



New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.



Nike virus: Just Does It!



Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.



Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.



Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.



Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.



Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."



PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.



Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".



Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.



Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.



Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.



Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.



Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.



Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.



Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.



UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.



Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.


07-12-2007 01:50 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Frankybonz, is any of this true?
I found this joke about New Jersey }

his is for people who are from or live near new jersey USA

since i live in that godforsaken armpit of usa i still find it funny



Stupid People - You know you're from New Jersey when...



You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges".

You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

You've eaten at a Diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3a.m.

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

You know that the state isn't all farmland.

You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey -there's the shore and you don't go to the shore, you go "down the Shore". And when you are there, you're not "at the shore", you are "down the Shore".

You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

You know that this is the only "New __" state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try...Mexico,...York, .Hampshire - doesn't work, does it?)

You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.

You don't think "What exit?" is very funny.

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different". Yes they are!

You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton -that's for out-of-staters.

The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or localbar.

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. (except for "the Parkway" and "the Turnpike")

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood.

You weren't raised in New Jersey -- you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's and Orbach's.

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.

You've had a Boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.

07-12-2007 01:56 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

The Deep Hole
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

07-16-2007 05:36 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile


Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by. The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke.
Then the second old lady had a stroke.
But the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh Damn! Am I driving?"

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

The American Kennel Club has decided to recognize these new breeds of dogs that are the result of cross breeding:
Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.
Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Poodle + Min Pin: PooPin, a dog for constipated people.

Submitted by Cupycake with additions by Hexie

The Old Man and The Beaver

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly", said the doctor.

~~
3 Rules For Getting Old:
Never pass a bathroom.
Don't waste a hard-on.
Never trust a fart.

Idea for a caption on a T-Shirt:
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying

07-25-2007 01:44 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

I feel for Fred
   

08-02-2007 06:18 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

http://www.jibjab.com/view/172390 {I got this link from Sebastian in an email
good laugh and good site too!

08-04-2007 02:14 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Why I HATE Garfield}    
He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

08-10-2007 03:30 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

Oh this one is great! it really made my morning!



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09-24-2007 03:36 AM
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Annette



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RE: Cartoons and stuff to make you smile

This is a fact worth knowing.
It isn't a joke but it sure did make me feel good




"Memorial"

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,
dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off
the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an
appointment into the Harvard University President's
outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods,
country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably
didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

"We want to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the
couple would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally
decided to disturb the president, even though it was a
chore she always regretted. "Maybe if you see them
for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his
importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with
them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun
suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern
faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard
for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But
about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband
and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere
on campus."

The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked.
"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for
every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did,
this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to
erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a
building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham
dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!
Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?
We have over seven and a half million dollars in the
physical buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was
pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly,
"Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we
just start our own?"

Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away,
traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established
the university that bears their name, Stanford University,
a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

One can easily judge the character of others by how they
treat those who they think can do nothing for them.


10-01-2007 08:18 PM
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