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coffee~time
the sun came out and I got busy cleaning the porto pottie after 4 years ... :puke2:

then I had to climb on the roof to tape up the 360 ø antenna that leaks
I drained and filled the [drinking] water tank but the pump quit. Confusedigh:

it would be easy to get overwhelmed by the shit list that faces me
The driveway has a big crack spreading, like the ones two doors up at the old apt.
The ground is going thru changes.
The part of the bedroom floor that has the hump is right by the place the driveway is breaking.

I am on a bump and the bump is getting more lie a pinacle, dropping off to the front and back of me.

The city is farting around with the sewers, possibly causing some liquification.
There is a street I drive that breaks, bid deep holes appear and have to be filled.
there is a creek or a broken sewer I bet, eroding the dirt fron under it.

I have everything ready to jet out of here.
chomping at the bit to leave, I am!
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well, at least you're making moves to get prepared.
Again, I wish you the best of luck on your trip!
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thanks! I could be out the door in minutes .. that is how close to ready I am!
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cool! That's excellent! Limit the uncertainties as much as possible by being better prepared!
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I plan forward to the event and then I think about it in reverse.
My trouble is getting physically ready.
which is why I won't be here in 40 min.
My arm will be bothering me by then. It is now ..

short sits on line from now till I go.
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I don't blame you.
The internet isn't worth any physical pain. You don't need the discomfort while driving as a result either (I'm sure you're thinking of that).
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It is my vanity!
I had muscles like Popeye!
Now I am turning into a sack!

My muscles were a "babe magnet" hahaha!
The last time I was in a bar in L.A. some girl sneaked up behind me,
felt my bicep, smiled and ran off!

My right arm is fucked up from using this damn thing.
It is a sharp pain, a muscle failure in the section between
my shoulder and my elbow [about 1/2 way between the two]

My face is aging, I seem "washed out" and talk about a turkey neck!
Good Lawdy Ms Claudie! I have to do something about this loss of strength!

Back when I was about 17 this girl gave me a set of weights.
She was going into the air force so she left them with me.
The two dumbells are set at 13 lb and the big one is 38 lb.
I used to be able to raise the two little ones up from my sides to shoulder height, at least 4 times.
now I am finding this pain in my arm won't let me!

I bought a shirt for this dinner I am going to but when I saw how it is hanging off my bones I shit!
"where's my muscles?!!" {that is how I define myself.

Just to show you the depth of my vanity, I saw my beer gutt and haven't had a guiness since!
I was down to 3 a day and having some trouble with that.
Now, if I let myself, I may have ONE for breakfast but that's it!
with just 7 days to go I gotta get back what it took me the last 6 years to lose.

My stomach is still flat, thank goodness!
that is from raising my leg over the gate to the B.R.

It is sitting still, at the computer that is turning me into a sack!
I have never sat so much in my Life!
I used to have too much energy to sit still.
The energy was from enthusiasm which has been totally gone from my life.
I can't fake that feeling.
Without it I don't get out of bed.

It is a piss off that my hair cut isn't up to parr.
The dingbat cut it too short in the back and left it longer on the sides! :rage:

:time: A week from now I hope to be an hour's drive away from here by this time of the morning.
Goal being to be on the other side of San Jose before the morning commute.

11 hrs to L.A. at 55 mpg with gas stops every 100-150 miles.
I want to be there at least one hour before dark to scope out the parking.
5 a.m. to 5 p.m. { I hope to make it by 4pm.
I am getting my music together.
I got me a Boom Box cuz my car radio is a was

The freeways are like some race course!
Hear about Brandy getting sued for killing a woman on the highway?
She rear ended a woman on the 405. The car looked like a train hit it!
No, make that several trains.


When I drove to Chula Vista, there were signs "watch out for pedestrians" {I shit you not!
there is a section that illegal aliens use to run across the freeway!

Los Angeles was my favorite place because there were so many exciting things to do. I darn near moved there in '71.
I have not been able to go bar hopping there in Years!
Firstly, because I had my own bar and after that it is because of the dogs.
If I leave them alone in the car to go into some of these places,
nothing I would be doing is worth losing them for.

When the grandfather dog was alive, he and I went to santa Monica Beach together.
I tied him to the handlebars and we rode all up and down that long path that parallels the beach.
I couldn't go out on the pier with him though.
I'll be taking Charles there, but I can't go.
I have the 4 grand kids and they can barely do anything!
One is deaf, one is blind and one is lame.
The only one with any energy is the 1/2 blind unneutored male.
Three months ago when I made this plan
I was fearful they wouldn't be around to make the trip at all.

The one I bought, hoping for pups is 4 now.
She wouldn't know what to do if left alone.
It is really important that the other dogs come along, for her sake.

It seems like 100 years ago when I was at the grassy field at the dam (the dog park)
I was with the Grandfather dog, his wife and their 3 kids who were just 9 months old.
All of them are dead now and their only off-spring are turning 13 in May.
I didn't think it was our last trip but when we got home my mom wouldn't get out of bed anymore & by August she was dead.

I was supposed to inherit a lot more money than I actually got.
I was going to go back to the bar and remodel, make my dreams come true.
Since then, everyone who was in my life is now out of it, one way or the other.

I was the most worried about how I'd feel if I fail on this mission.
Afraid of what it would be like to have to live without even a dream to wish for.
the I Ching said: #40 Deliverance is just starting & after this trip I am to go home.
I stopped being sick over it, now I want to hurry up and get things moving!
I'm going to need a moving van, a dumpster and a whole lotta guts to face tossing things, selling things and then ..
and then I don't know ..
if the story goes like the dreams and the girl actually shows up or not, I am hoping she does.
I was too afraid to let her in 6 years ago, now I am readying ..
just a bit more of my past to let go of ...
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Well, I can certainly say that you're depressed. Maybe you'll find your spark on this trip. Who the hell knows?

It's tough when you feel that you have no support from anyone. You're just on your own, and you're all you have to depend on. People can be rotten too, and put you off from going out and being social, but to stop trying is the same as letting all of the assholes who bother you win. (That sentence just reminded me that I'm going out later tonight. And here I am with a cold... geez.)

At one point a few years ago, I wasn't happy, and I got tired of trying to get people together to do something. Everyone I know are so non-committal it pisses me off. I started going out on my own. I would go across the river and hang out at the pseudo hip town. Regardless of the phonies, it's still an interesting place to be (same goes for the village in NYC). I would meet new people, and generally have a good time. They would be friends for the moment, and a memory after that.

You need something in your life to give you that boost to wake up in the morning and do something aside from logging on. I know you don't want to do the bar thing again, so maybe it's time for something else. You always have a lot of good ideas, I know you can think of something to do with yourself that you would enjoy doing, maybe makes you a little cash (or not), and gives you some fulfillment in your daily life. Go with your instincts, but don't be too shy. You need to be assertive, and sort of force yourself to get moving onto something new.

That's all my opinion anyway. I know I'm no good at taking my own advice, so take what you want from it.
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at 54 1/2 years old I have maybe 15 or 20 more years to go and do stuff
I am not going to do anything that doesn't feel good.
I'll last longer, that is my money will, if I don't go out and spend money just to be in the company of people who won't be worth it.
How Many have I met?!
I went to 2 colleges, all those bars, I have taken in so many names and faces it is getting hard to remember new ones.
5 Elizabeths 10 Leslies you dig it?
I have seen it or done it or I would have gone and done it.
I didn't let shit hold me back~ ~have gun will travel~
I was on the road by my self in that VW 220,000 miles!
including + 2 dozen trips to Los Angeles and thousands of trips over to S.F.

I won't be taking on any ventures that require my signature, put it like that.
I'd like to go back to waking up and headinng out to the pool
to see how many degrees off of 89º {perfect for a chilly day


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I hear ya. I'm just trying to throw some optimism your way is all. The life you want doesn't seem to be too difficult to obtain.

Is it the winter blues?
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it is having to go back to that house and face the fact that every memory I have
everyone that ever walked up those stairs will never walk up them again.

Carolyn Myss calls it "breathing life into your dead past"
Brian said, "it is your anchor and you tossed it over board"

to me, it is all that is left of who is }"fill in my name here"

I am glad, in a way, it is or at least it was a Much Nicer House, warmer
quieter, like the iching said, "rich neighbors"

I 've been slumming it down here, so I could keep the dogs.
WHen we first came back in Nov 96 All 10 dogs were alive.
I had to wait for the best part of my life to end so I can go home.
The home is empty but it is Too Full. I have to get rid of all the stuff.
Seriously, I can't open a drawer that does not still have the things it held when I lived there as a child.
I don't want to polish silver ware and spend my time cleaning the chandalliers!
that is not me!
I am really unable to gut the house and change it, I have no clue how I want it to look.
I was hoping the I ching would say go ahead and sell it.
Now I am just looking at a lot of broken things that I must deal with.
I wouldn't say I am depressed, I would say
I have a long dirty job ahead that is going to be like amputation
I don't look forward to it.



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mm, I see your point. That's not easy. I can relate. When I go back to the old house, lots of memories come back to me. Some good, a lot bad. It's sad all around to see it empty. My Uncle died there the summer of 2005, and a year later, the house is empty.

It's tough to forget the many moments of my dad in his insanity, rampaging around the house screaming at anyone he could find, shoving them and so forth. He's still an ass now, but nowhere near as bad as he was then.
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he could have been jailed for shoving his kids around!

No wonder you are not trying to get that house!

My memories were pretty selective to the good side but
as I began stripping the wall paper
I saw backwards in time, you might say ..
the different patterns triggered the feelings that went with the times.
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what changed your Dad?
he no longer lays hands on people?
what do you think made the difference?
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Fear that no one would be around him for his last years.
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"men"-o-pause?

on a good note [I hope] Del's grandson is supposed to try to fix some of the broken plumbing around here.
she said he will call tomorrow.
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Cool. The old house in NJ is nothing but bad plumbing. Most of the faucets don't work well. I think only one sink gives hot water... if you want to wait long enough for it.
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these things seem so intimidating till you watch the guy do it, then it looks like a cake walk.

I do not have the tools or I'd try.
this plumbing store we went to last time was so helpful
I feel like they could get me through it.

they aught to put a door over the plumbing so you can get back there w/out ripping a hole in the wall!

the tub got pluggged and the snake pulled out a plug of metal, looked moon or C shaped
?a part of the drain pipe? In a 2 story house I have no idea how to get at tub's drain, short of taking the tub out.

did you go to bed?
I have to get a call in the morning,
I will come in here but
I will get off line by 9 am my time to let Del's grandson call.

I hope you feel Much Better by then!
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good samaritan law?

you probably know about this, it happened in New York
The Kitty Genoviese Case
She was stabbed to death as her dozen or so neighbors watched from their windows.

It was used as an example of "diffusion fo responsibility"
they said,
if you need help, hope you are NOT around a lot of people
they are less likely to help you than if there are only a few around.

Roger and I were in the city late one night, we were loaded on acid and we called to the local FM station, Ksan I think, they said, come over and bring us coffee!
I was 16-17 then, we were trying to find the place, it was 3:30 or 4 in the morning
I saw a girl with a guy grabbing at her, she was in the street screaming for help.
I had a buck knife under the car seat and was stopped in the middle of the street figgin to get out and help her.
Roger was a big chicken, 6 ft 5 and over 250 lbs (lard, not muscle)
He told me to lay on the horn instead so I tried that.
turned out, the girl screaming for help had stolen his wallet and was trying to get away!
I was about to defend the wrong person!
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here in albany I was driving and saw a guy who looked nuts with a black chick who looked like a hooker
they seemed to be in a fight.
I didn't get in it but when I told Barbara about it, she said:
"that 'nut' is my brother Bob"

He was a heroin addict and a theif.
He actually broke his leg by falling from a ladder
he'd put up against his mom's house
to get in and rob her!
He was a full fledged nut case!
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The sickness of society is, to use the cliché phrase, the wants outweigh the needs. That makes it harder on the people who have actual needs that they can't afford. The American Dream promotes a superficial prosperity which is fueled by greed and envy, and the people that come here fall for it, the poor fall for it, and no one is necessarily better of because of it.

I hate the fact that I have to drive over 60 miles through thousands of idiots from different states just to get to work. Unfortunately our economy is so lopsided that I have to do this in order to live, and maybe continue to live with some ounce of security that I can make rent, pay my bills, and keep food in my stomach, and furthermore, hope that the job pays enough to fund the commute to arrive at said job (which is a grand ol' $400 a month, give or take $50).

What pisses me off more is that there are frighteningly more people out there who have it worse off than I do with a whole family to support, and heaven forbid anyone ever has to go to the emergency room to pay a business (not a practice) 2 weeks of their salary just to get checked out, and not even treated.

And somehow we need more people here. For work? Or is it for votes?
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I think they stuff the ballot boxes

when you say there are a bunch more like you who have to commute
it gets me thinking .. a good job in your area could it be concidered a comodity?
something to sell?
lets say there is space available for a hundred or so people to have an office and it is near to their home, maybe even walking distance.

might it be possible to gather a group of people who's skills could be marketed using the internet?

I saw a show where they have the ability to interface with a Doctor, a specialist, via the web.
This individual can examine the patient even though they are thousands of miles apart.
with a business, they want to charge you tax on every stick of furniture!
it didn't hit me, they tried to grab the $ from the sale of the liquor lic. but Bill said, all the furnishings were his and they were a part of the rent of the building = I didn't OWN them!
I don't know who lives where you do, or what it would cost to rent a building but I hear you say there is a need and if you could find a way to make that work FOR you ..


Yes! you are right about the trend to spend it drives me crazy!

JUST SAY NO TO SPENDING { that is the only way left to actually "vote" = vote with your wallet.

I try to spend $ in elcerrito and not berkeley
I'd rather not support Alameda county in any way!
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did you go in?
I'm betting you did, you seemed to be recovering from your cold pretty fast.
It's near to 8 am here, +2 hrs on line for me so far, gotta quit now.
I'll check back to see if you are around.
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I didn't go to work, but I did take care of a number of things.

It's ridiculously cold out there. I think the high was 15°F.

How's the dog?
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I sent you a email about today, went okay.
that is too fucking cold! 15º F that will freeze snot!
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